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May 2011
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Ys [userpic]
So I turned down sex this morning.

Yeah, yeah, I know, stop the presses, hell has frozen over, the Red Sox won the world series, Deb turned down sex. Ha ha.

See, I got some great cuddles this morning. Amy and I climbed into Joel's bed (for the record, Amy and I sleep in one bed, Joel in another right next to it) and I got to be in the middle and cuddled and that was wonderful. I can't begin to describe how cool I find that, how much I love it.

Also for context, Joel's sex drive is often not particularly high. Amy's and my sex drives tend to be much higher, and this has occasionally caused some strife. But the best time to get Joel interested is in the mornings. For a while this was causing issues as well, because Joel and I get up together out of necessity most mornings (we work together), while Amy was sleeping later and thus not getting any morning time at all.

Anyway, morning cuddles get Joel interested, often. They did this morning. I commented playfully on it, not because I was actually interested but because I enjoy watching my spouses enjoy each other. But I didn't make that at all clear. Amy's bleeding, so she didn't really want to, so she said that Joel should fuck me so that she could watch. And suddenly I'm in a bind.

Amy's offered me this (to her) precious resource -- Joel's being-aroused time -- and a way to reward her for it, because she also enjoys watching us. Joel's clearly interested. But I really don't want to this morning, for whatever reason.

I managed to weasel out of it, but I felt guilty as hell. I'm still frustrated by it, but I don't know what else I could've done, really. I suppose I could've let him fuck me and just tried to enjoy it, but gah.

And, of course, I made both of them feel bad because they didn't understand why I got quietly upset, and I'm sure both of them are blaming themselves for me seeming upset.

So, bonus! I get to turn down something of value from both spouses and make them both feel guilty in the process.

Yeah, so that was my morning.

Current Mood: guiltyguilty

Hi, I've randomly come through visgoth's journal (may it rest in peace). I noticed the anime icon and I randomly decided to check out your LJ. I am trying to improve my writing in both content and style, and I think you can help do that. I hope you don't mind me friending you.

Interesting fact of the universe -- At no point are you obligated to have sex with anyone. (I'm not on the game or else I'd say it there -- my computer at home is b0rk3d).

You have the complete right to say 'I am not in the mood' without feeling guilty.

(No, I haven't learned this lesson either, but it's being beaten into my head. :)

Speaking as low libido lady (which I _hate_), turning down your lover(s) when they want sex is often the hardest thing to do.

If you walk the "I'll just play along for their benefit even though I don't feel like it" line you can run into this little conundrum: Your partner(s) feeling that they don't want you to do something for them, they want you to do it because you want to."

Juergen points out that not every erection has to culminate in orgasm. We both realized that for a long while I was less physically affectionate because I had the notion that if he became aroused I was honor bound to make love with him otherwise I was teasing him.

I'm happy for you that the "not feeling like it" is only an occasional thing. I miss my libido dreadfully.

As someone stated above, cuddles, hot chocolate (was that in there or did I make the up?) and some talking could fix you right up!

Anyway, love and hugs to all three of you :)


Juergen points out that not every erection has to culminate in orgasm. We both realized that for a long while I was less physically affectionate because I had the notion that if he became aroused I was honor bound to make love with him otherwise I was teasing him.

I think this is probably very accurate of a state that Deb gets herself into. She does it most often about kinks and her want thereof, rather than sex at all, but it is the same thing. She desperately wants some things that either are not things we're good at, or are not good at differentiating between and she has a hard time talking about in the moment, or just don't have time and opportunity for nearly as much as she wants them, and in all cases, she tends to tear herself apart about saying no when we do offer. She has reasons to say no.

No matter how much she wants it generally, she can't just turn on vulnerable at a moments notice all the time or the like, but she feels like a tease and a monster if she pleads for those things but then cannot do them at the times when we're alright with trying them.

Among other things, one of the struggles is that she and I are empathic enough that often what happens is that she responds to the emotional exhaustion and insecurities in the room by wanting to be in a head space that protects her in some way from those things. But of course because the desire seems to often be triggered by the emotional instability around her becoming internalized, we are often not in a state where we are capable of sheltering her. If we were, she wouldn't be picking it up in the first place. And so, when we feel up to it, she doesn't need it. When she needs it, we're often too much of a mess ourselves.

Though Joel has never really described himself as empathic, he does fluctuate a lot with the emotions in the room around him, too, so even he isn't really immune when it's me that's having a long day.

But every time we go through this, Deb tears herself apart that she is a tease and she never says yes after begging for things she wants and...

We never feel like she is a tease or even that she should have said yes, necessarily, but that doens't mean she isn't painfully hard on herself. I have never known how exactly to respond well to her in that state. Joel and I are both very "every erection doesn't have to lead to orgasm" sorts of people. And really, we're offering to try to play the role for her when we're feeling up to it to make her feel loved, but it never quite manifests that way, somehow, or at least the feeling loved gets lost in her own state of self abuse about it.

Wish I knew a magic answer to all of it. Mostly we keep hoping that one of these days she will believe us that we don't think she's a terrible person, a tease, any of those things.

I tried to celebrate the Red Sox win last night with sex, as well, but I was bleeding and it just felt like a giant tampon. I was not enjoying it so we stopped. I felt badly about it, too.. Fortunately he seemed to understand.

As one of the spice in question, I thought I would pipe up for a second. First of all, while I almost always find y'all sexy, I think I have said before that while I am bleeding, I am squicked by myself. I don't like the way I smell during my period. I can sometimes be convinced to play if either my cramps are so bad that I will do anything to make them better, or when someone else really wants to, but I tend toward reluctance.

So, I was basically feeling yucky, nauseated by myself and mostly just coming to cuddle because I knew you would like it, not because I wanted anything sexual for a change.

The only part that really bugged me at all was feeling guilty about not wanting it when you tried to offer him to me, because it's so rare that he seems to want things that I felt like I was being retarded. I would have enjoyed watching you two, yes, but I was mostly worried about Joel in the exchange much more than set on any particular outcome of it.

You didn't really make me feel guilty or upset me or anything. I just wasn't sure how to tell Joel I would love to, but... and while in retrospect, just saying that and cuddling might have made sense, I was too brain dead at the time.

It is okay to say no to sex. You've done it with me before, but I always get the impression that you tear yourself up about doing it much more than it in any way upsets me or anything.

I love you.

Here's my perspective, as a guy. I am totally turned on by someone who wants to bonk me, and quite turned off by someone who is just going through the motions for my sake. Also, most guys are able to take care of their own needs; a guy who says he doesn't like to masturbate is either lying or a little unbalanced in my opinion :)

There are other creative things to do if you are feeling playful but not wanting intercourse. Hand jobs are cool, for one. But if you're not feeling like anything sexual, just say that.

I might get the wrong message and get frustrated if a partner is actually trying to evoke a sexual response (like say, touching my genitals) but just cuddling should be considered its own sport and not a type of foreplay.