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May 2011
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Ys [userpic]
Since I have a moment.

So, Tuesday. (Yes, there's more stuff farther back and stuff more current, but Tuesday was big, so Tuesday you get. Nyah.)

I'd been feeling just exhausted and braindead on Monday, and Tuesday was worse. The ADD drugs I'm taking are amphetamine, so the idea of reacting by being so exhausted I could hardly move just baffled me. (Note also that I was braindead. Remember me saying that? It's important.)

By Tuesday afternoon I was in The Pit of Despair and spiralling, and then I managed to get Amy upset with me. (Well, okay, that wasn't really what happened, but that's what I perceived at the time.) So then it was worse and I was just a mess.

It was a truly miserable afternoon.

Getting home wasn't pleasant either. At one point I tried to just walk home, but Joel insisted that he wasn't going to let me walk home alone, and I couldn't make him walk with me, that would just fill me with guilt, so I gave up.

Finally, when I did get home, Amy gave me a hug and thus smelled my breath, and said, "Hon, you're sick." She also realized I was feverish. She made me take some cold snap and some vitamin C and drink a whole bunch of water. She prodded at me and got it out of me that I'd had one bagel to eat in 48 hours and nothing to drink, either, on top of being ill.

Yes, I was just that far gone stupid.

The combination of being taken care of (and the positive emotional effects there) and actually getting some physical care for being ill made me feel a lot better, if still tired.

Which sort of led to some really good sex with all three of us, which took care of much of the lingering emotional crap. *grin*

And I got to look back at how I was feeling with a bit more perspective and it was very clear that I was just completely unable to see what was going on and was just lost in the Abyss. (Several other folks were very supportive during, and I much appreciate it. lorendil in particular did his best to be soothing and calming over IM and it helped.)

I really hate the Abyss. I wish I had some better way to climb out of it. These days I pretty much only seem to get stuck there when I've got something physical going on, but that doesn't make it any easier to tolerate when it does happen. I wish I knew how to trigger some sort of, "Deb, you're in the Abyss, something is probably wrong, stop wallowing and figure it out."

I wish I knew how to say to the people who love me, "I need you to take care of me right now," without feeling crushed by guilt, when I'm in that state. Instead I mostly push them away with all of my might.

I suppose at least it happens a lot less often than it used to...

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
t. rev

(You don't know me; I'm one of NK's surlydino associates.)

Remember that one of the side effects of dextroamphetamine is appetite suppression. If you don't remember to eat, your stomach won't remind you the way it usually would; you'll just wonder how you got all woozy and tired and stupid all of a sudden.

Another thing to keep in mind is that vitamin C (and other acids) lower absorption and increase excretion of amphetamines. HTH.

Re: t. rev

Actually, I do know you, at least at a casual acquaintance level. I'm also Ysabel@Too. I'm at least nominally in the Dino social crowd... I really should log onto Dino but I never seem to bother.

I knew about the appetite suppression but the illness was making me too stupid to catch that that was part of it.

I didn't know about the vitamin C, though. That's very good to know.

t. rev

Oh, okay, keen.

It can help to keep something like animal crackers handy--complex carbohydrate snacks--and make yourself eat some if you start to feel dopey.

As far as vitamin C or other acids (soda, orange juice, etc.) go, you can cancel them out with antacids if necessary.

I wish I knew how to say to the people who love me, "I need you to take care of me right now," without feeling crushed by guilt, when I'm in that state. Instead I mostly push them away with all of my might.

I wish I knew how, too.

I'm glad that you were taken care of and given all kinds of love. The Abyss sucks major ass :(

*hugs you*

Could be worse. You could fall into the Abyss more often, have no drugs that help you get out of it, and no one to take care of you or make love with, that is if you had any sex drive to begin with.

Like me.

I'm glad you're doing better. It always sucks to be on the downswing and not even know you're there.

And if you ever find a way to ask for help without feeling like a dink, let me know... I'm still lookin'.

Yours can smell sickness on your breath, too, eh? Mine can smell my breath and tell me I'm about to get sick. I think it's the cat-humans who can do this.

And you're lucky to have a doctor who takes adult ADD seriously enough to script you a good med. It was like pulling TEETH to get 10 mg of Ritalin a day for me.

I shit you not.

*smiles and kisses your fingertips*


I hope things are getting better.

One option for letting others know is to establish a code word or phrase that lets them know what is going on. I am hypoglycemic and when my blood sugar gets funky (which happens a lot since I really don't like eating), my moods go haywire. I try to keep my eating balanced, but the woozy and fadey feelings are always waiting for me to slip up. I have to clue everyone in when this happens. Sometimes I just say i'm 'out of it' or fading. I don't know if this helps at all. In any case, take care. keep smiling.