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Ys
ysabel
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May 2011
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Ys [userpic]

Oh, and just to make my day complete, Amy won't talk to me.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Comments

Hugs!!!

I"m sorry hon. :( ::hugs::

I really did mean "I am emotionally exhausted and need to go to bed". I didn't ever say I wasn't talking to you or anything of the sort. I was really and truly just at the end of my emotional energy to stay upright which had little if anything at all to do with you and much more to do with having spent the morning crying, throwing up, being insanely depressed, etc.

I love you. I am hardly ever really and truly unwilling to talk to you. Sometimes really frustrated and at a loss for words or where to start, sometimes trying so hard not to cry that I literally can't talk and do that at the same time, etc, but I cannot ever think of a time that I actually thought "I am not speaking to you!" or something.

Your self esteem voice in your head sometimes seems just a wee bit prone to paranoia and I have never known what to do with it when I don't have energy for my own mess and just me being a mess is setting off yours in bad ways. But for reference I really don't think "I'm never speaking to her again!" or something. I'm not sure what exactly you think is going on, but almost always when this comes up it is because I am collapsing in on myself in some fashion that is so intensely personal and raw and painful that I'm hardly ever even thinking about you at the time.

I love you. Like REALLY REALLY love you. Not just saying that and don't mean it, love you. Really not secretly plotting or beleiving you're a monster or any of those things you seem afraid of. I know you have a lot of reason for those fears. Laura was at best a basket case and I knew Nona personally and she was quite frankly a bitch who really did spend a lot of time on passive agressive emotional plotting. But I swear to you that I am not either woman and REALLY REALLY REALLY do not waste my emotion on such things. If I stew on anything internally before talking to one of you it is stewing in the direction of "Why the fuck does this bother me?" and "How in hell do I explain this to work it out?" not some sort of long drawn out pouty refusal to let people know what is wrong or something. That would just be idiotic to my really strong beleif in trying to solve it. If I am withdrawing it is really because I am just that much of a mess about myself inside that I can't sort through my inner rubble any other way.

I love you.

Your self esteem voice in your head sometimes seems just a wee bit prone to paranoia...

This is such an understatement that the word understatement doesn't even begin to capture the concept. *wry grin*

To put it another way, I AM NOT YOUR FATHER. I am not leaving because my selfish wants are the only really important thing in my world. I am not only going to love you when you get the script right and spend years on "I'm not ready to see you" horse shit. I am not going to sic my wife on you because I refuse to speak to you. I am not going to refuse to call you till I need something manipulative from you to get my way with another family member. I AM NOT YOUR FATHER. I AM NOT YOUR EX-WIFE. I don't believe in crossing my arms and glaring and storming off to refuse to fix it. I REALLY REALLY DON'T AND NEVER HAVE. I think the closest I have ever come to that with you was obsessively cleaning the stove on our first date when I was uncomfortable, but I did it in the same room and did it because I didn't know what to do to fix the uncomfortable, not to abandon you or only care about you when you did everything my way or ANY OF THE OTHER ABSURD HORSE SHIT YOUR FATHER AND EXS HAVE PULLED with you. I have been in your life, what? 6? 8 years? I am not even counting them because I just like being in it when I get up in the morning. I have far outlasted any of your exs and I know we've shared more quality time than your dad has ever even tried to spend on you in all that time.

Some times I think I need to tie you up and take Joel's belt and wail on your ass repeating "I am here because I want to be and because I love you. Got that?" over and over again until you cry out and let go of whatever exactly those fear demons are.

I love you.

Some times I think I need to tie you up and take Joel's belt and wail on your ass repeating "I am here because I want to be and because I love you. Got that?" over and over again until you cry out and let go of whatever exactly those fear demons are.

Oh, darn.